The Distance

I will change the world for you. And that's the problem. At any moment will I cease to be worth it? Because I will find a way, when there seems to be none. I will. No questions asked, no second guessing or back-up planning. And that's why I'm worried. See, how far will you go? And will I ever really know?

Being Humble

There are few virtures that I can claim I hold... okay, maybe none that I can grasp completely. Patience, I have some of. But really being humble, that's one I feel holds the most importance. And trust me, I am far from humble. It's hard to admit your wrongs and pass up the gold stars. But here I am learning. Thank you God for the bumps in the road that make me more humble. You have taught me to apologize. And this is something I have seemed to have forgotten, but thank you for reminding me.

I'm sorry I forgot to remember.

Layered

I am split between three worlds. I live in three places. There is a fierce battle of my time, my mind, and my hands. Constantly, going, not a chance to rest. I am carefully torn. How long can I live like this? I'm not sure what to do, or where to turn. Balance at its worst. So much to keep up with and so much to lose. And some how, so far, I'm not lost. But soon, too soon, I'm going to unweave, and who will be there to tend to me with threads and sewing needles? Wish I could freeze time and take a breath. But since when does life take orders from us? When did we think we earned the right to take the wheel and drive?

I guess the one good thing for me is it's three. And three has always been my lucky number.

Blind

I can't sleep. My mind won't stop rolling on. Thinking of you. Consuming. I should have, should have, should have known. All this time. Why was I missing this?

Hourglass Beach

This is what I know of warmth and winter

Waiting in this most December

Standing weak and hiding weary

On this beach, so bleak, so dreary

Cold wet toes, as I stand

Upon my line drawn in the sand

Should I cross it if he does come

Or will my will yet stand undone

From spring to shriveled icy leaves

I seem to wait eternally

To burning sunset in the dusk

Like a statue I do rust

Waiting, hoping, thick and thin

That True Love’s hand will so lend

So one day upon my eyes

I will see my love and he be mine

And I will whisper through the snow

A warmth of gain few do know

But ‘till that day to light from dark

The day at hence I will depart

I will wait by my line

Searching, waiting, watching time

Bandaids

Baby it hurts inside
Come here and make me close my eyes
Hold me tight until the sunrise
I just want to rest a while

I don't know why this pain's so bad
It's been healing, for months I've had
You've been near me and I'm worth all of that
I wish he'd leave me, and leave me flat

Because Baby, why did I ever deserve this?
Why am I left hurting?
Why am I left burning?
I'm worth all I have, all I've missed

So, Baby just drive fast
Put the car in drive and press on the gas
I need you first and I need you last
Stand tall and pick up the glass

I miss your smile and your light laugh
I miss your strong arms and the fun we've had
Come quickly now just like a race
I need you now, your warm embrace

Baby, hold me, small in your hands
Be my peace, my calm, my raging man
My somber beach, water and the sands
Snow and slope, a safe place to land

Be my guard house, my light house,
Out on the prowl
Safe fences, sweet kisses,
Oh, I'm home now

Oh, I'm home now

Pondering

I close my eyes and see your face
I crave your blue eyes and your close embrace

Where are you now?
How many miles away?

Losing Grip

The sad thing is, you are but a dream to me. No more real than the distant thoughts of typical college aged girl, wishing to be loved and kissed and to be asked to dance. And you forget that for moments at a time you can hold me, but at some point, perhaps today or tomorrow or sometime soon, I will wisp away like an evaporating tear. And just like that I'll be gone in your rear view mirror.

So do me this favor. Decide now, not later.

The Mantle

If you wonder why I am silent, it is because silence is never ruined. The most quiet things are those not touched, or changed, or over worked. Silence saves. It keeps the beautiful beautiful and keeps the nail un-rusted. The things I speak less of are those most important. Those that I keep in a glass case on my mantle and dust everyday. Those things are my most cherished moments, and keeping them silent and hidden keeps them safe. Safe from harm, from ruin, from disappearance. They keep their value. So I seal my lips and keep hidden my heart and it's mantle and all that lies there. The beauty of treasure is the journey to find it. And those that find it, can add themselves to my collection of glory.

Calm Waters

For the first time, I know what I should be doing. And that is nothing. Life should be coming to me. I do not need to worry or plan. No more running or backing up. All there is is a slow steady, calming movement forward. Like floating. Floating down a soft stream in God's hands. I am supposed to be inactive, letting the current take me to where I need to be. No more rushing, stalling, pausing, or confusing. I am supposed to be calm.

Calm. Quiet. Serene. And smiling. Where I will be tomorrow, next week, I have no idea. But where ever I land is where I am supposed to be. And for the first time "I don't know" does not scare me, it doesn't not make me falter or question. It strengthens me and calls to me. It sings me to sleep and carries me forward.

So I don't know. I don't know what I will do with my life. I don't know what I will say to you. I don't know what that kiss meant. I don't know. My lack of knowledge is my knowledge. The unknown is my hope, my comfort and my unexplained plan. This is exactly where I need to be. Exactly how I need to feel.

The sun is bright, the water warm. The clouds white, the sky blue. There is peace in my soul. And this is not only my journey, but my destination. Moving and unmoving. Finally caught in the contradiction of the Father.

Pricetags

Every once in a while your name comes across my path, and with it memories and horror stories are dragged. Covered in mud and smeared with cuts, I remember. And while it was all in the plan, on the map, from when it first began until it was at last finished, I ponder. Why? For the lessons I have learned, to the scars I carry on my soul, for my life, why? Why do we have to waste so much time? Why is the broken road so long? I am angry at how you treated me. But then at peace, it was a storm before calm. I am worth everything. Now I know. But why did it take this long for me to realize? Why did it take this amount of pain? This amount of horror, deceiving, and imagery?

I will never know.

But, I have hope. Hope for the future. And one day I'll be able to jump without holding back, to fall without second guessing, to love without worrying. And that day, I hope you'll realize what you lost. And I hope you'll see what I'm gaining. Why could I never see clearly until now? Why couldn't I see what everyone else could call?

Whatever the case, the reason, it means as much as a ten cents to me now. Because here I am exactly where I need to be, missing the person that I should be missing. Falling for the person that's falling back. Feeling strongly for the man that's standing tall. Someone worth me. Worth it all.

Arrivals and Departures

It is a hard thing to give your heart away. It is hard to get on a plane and leave it there. Walk away without any fear. It is hard to take a leap of faith. To believe in timing, in hope, in trust. It is difficult. Leaving your heart with someone else is one of the more difficult things to do, if not the most difficult thing to do. It's a decision in trust, in fear, in love. It's a decision one should not simply make.

However with all these months, this whole past year, why did you make it so easy? How is it possible to feel such fear combined with peace all in one moment?

You give up the right to protect it, to cherish it. You give up control of where it is kept, how it is treated, and if it will be broken. You relinquish almost everything, except the claim that it's ultimately yours and that it will always be returned. Whether you take it back or it is given back broken, chipped, or bruised. It's hard to leave it all out there. To leave it and walk away, hoping- praying- that everything will be okay.

But for some weird reason, when I looked before I jumped, I saw you there. With open arms. And I jumped. Easily.

I don't know where this will go, or even how we got here. But regardless, I'm glad we're here. As much as I'm scared of having my heart returned broken, it's not enough to keep me from handing it over. The risk is worth the reward. And so here I am.

Hopefully caught- in loving arms. While leaving my heart in your hands. My tiny heart, shattered and torn and taped back together. And here, a couple hundred miles away, I feel your warmth. I feel your arms. I feel your heart beating. Beating with mine.

Now

Somewhere between home and here. We were lost and now we're found. Right before the leap of faith, the drop of the hat, the speech of fate. There is nothing better than how we got here. Memory lane that leads us to the beginning. Past the cursed, dark, and the dreary. Past the hurt, the pain, the healing. Towards the simple, confined, and left behind. Towards the dawn of where the past alined. There.

Where calm and clarity was as much as a gram of a smile, a pound of a lion, and a gate that we never questioned.

Yet, here, our boundaries are no more. There existence, only in our minds. For once we can do anything. From one thing to everything. A gravel road, twists and turns, led us here. And here, we are. Not one more step or one more back.

Calm. Pause. Appreciate this moment. Because as soon as the wind comes, as soon as you blink, life will be all but the same. There is no going back, no re-living. Just another beginning. A new breath, a new step, another left. So take it in. Take it all in.  

And where ever here may be for me, I hope you know, I think of you and dream.

Hopefully

What should be hated the most is hope. That little spark that never lets you go. That second glance, wondering if he'll look back. That double take, wondering if she'd even care. That mindless dreaming we wander in to. That small flame that burns. Burns in our eyes. That's the flame or lack of it. When we light up. That sparkle. That's what hope is. That's where it lives. Fireplace eyes. Ten thousand Brown Eyed Lane. Right there in the windows. You can see that from a hundred miles away. And that's just the good part.

When it dims, that's when the smoke all hits the alarm. The let down. You know what I'm talking about.

It's this hope that keeps me holding my breath. But see, stupid girl, what has hope brought me before? Just a bunch of dim-witted nights, tucking myself in. Life has a funny way of making me dizzy. Round and round. Like a child's carousal.

See, this could be a good quality. You know, the optimism. But what they forget to tell you in the memo, what they leave off the terms of agreement, is the painful part. The part when hail and wind and salt water come rushing in to extinguish your light. When the stars cease to sparkle.  When that tiny little piece of your heart dies. Candle, burned out.

But apart from the morbidness of the entire situation, this is the one everlasting flame. The one thing that neither hell nor Heaven, nor good or evil could ever annihilate. And us with our human emotions, we just have to hang on. And like we're wired to do, we'll relight that good ole fireplace. We cannot help ourselves.

But, hey, here's to another day.

Full of hope.

A Life of Love

We will never know, nor understand how great our God is. We will never see the majesty in the plan of God. However, we can feel his love like wind. We can feel his love like rain. We can see his love in diamonds. We can see his love in eyes. We can taste his love in water.

God is good. And while we may not hold the knowledge, he willingly gives us the love. And this love, his love, is the greatest of all. In every sense, if it is sought out, it can be found. Where our human minds will fail, our hearts will out last.

Everything comes down to love. Nothing else matters. Live in love. Live in God.

Our God is an irrational love. He is against the grain, yet attune with our souls. Our God exists in the contradiction. And here, where you can be lost but found; Where you can be blind but see; Where you can be dead but alive; Where you can not know but believe, is where we can love. And we can be loved.

To know our God, is to know love. It is to show love, be love, have love, give love. Our God is an awesome God. Full of glory, majesty, all the greatest things a heart could need. But our God, greatest of all loves when no one can at all. Our God saves when we are not worthy. Because of his love we can quench our thirst. Because of his love we can fix our hunger. Because of his love we can accept chaos as peace.

Our God exists in the contradiction. The irrational place of against-human-nature and un-acknowledgeable reasoning. Our God is unconditional, irrevocable, immutable, and enduring. And with our God this love has been, is, and always will be.

And it is this love that sets a jailed man free, brings a dead man to life, and shows love to those heartbroken. We are all rejected, unwelcome, shunned, neglected, abandoned, and undervalued. And we are called by the grace of our savior Jesus Christ to a better life.

With an outstretched hand and an opened heart, our God calls us to better. He calls us to love and be loved. He calls us to not just breathe but live. He calls us to not just believe but follow.

We will never know the answer, the clue to the equation, the reason for this or the reason for that, but there is one thing we can be sure of. One thing that goes without doubt. One thing that we can rest our life in. And that is love.

God's love. And it will set us free.

Find Me

I'm so scared you'll never know me. I'm so scared you just take me for what's right there. What about between the lines? What about being my eyes? What about words, and smiles, and tears? What about knowing me? How much time will it take for you to ask? How much time will I be left in fear?

I'm scared you'll never know me. And it's so simple for you. Once you find the lock, the key will be given to you. And all you'll have to do is use it.

Fire

I could destroy you. Devastate you. Ruin you. As you could do to me. But I am fire in your hands. Hot and heavy. I am never predictable and never containable. So, lets be real, here. Lets be honest. Playing with fire is one thing, but be prepared to get burned. Don't think you can just send sparks here or there without consequence. Fire can be beautiful, but it can be deadly. You won't be good enough until you can appreciate me. Embrace me. And accept that things will be a little messy. Tempers and all. You'll have to accept that. Because you've already lit the match, so don't turn and run. Be a man.

I'm looking for someone that is willing to drop everything to save me. Give every ounce of water to calm me. Run for me, not against me. I'm looking for someone great. Someone ready to fight fire. Someone ready to a little hot and stay. Someone that's willing to get a little close, get a little invested. And have enough courage to stay, and not too much pride to give up.

I'm looking for someone that doesn't want me to go on to great things, but someone that see the greatness I have already accomplished. Someone that's willing to understand my complexity instead of pulling the alarm. I'm looking for someone brave enough to light the match and face it.

Losing

We all want to win. There isn't one of us that has a drive to purposely lose. We're all wired for success and first place. We all feel strong standing tall on the podium labeled "First Place". But the deal is life is not about winning. This isn't a race, or a contest, or a game like Monopoly or Life. This is breathing, growing, and loving. That's what this is. So it's not about being the best, or the one with the most pride or accomplishments. This comes down to being humble. Being the one that can get down on your knees and admit your wrongs and apologize. It's about being the one that can give up everything at the end of the day. It's about accepting defeat, recognizing it, and embracing it. That's what life is. It's not a race, it's not about coming in first. It's about enjoying the time we have here and appreciating what we are given. It's about being able to let go of everything and embracing the one thing that really matters. And when ever you figure that one out, understand that sometimes it's better to lose, you can really learn to value. And that's when life is best lived.

Passing By

Life is give and take. From moments to every day. I never knew your name, but you meant something to me.

Run

You can try to make me go away. You can try to erase what we had and what could have been. But as much as you're running, you'll never get far enough away. See, you can't leave. You'll be chained until you can forgive me. Forgive me for everything you pinned to me. Everything that was not near my fault, but placed on my shoulders. So, run.

Run, run, run. Everyday. But, you're running in place. While I am free, you are stepping without moving. Caught in an infinite embrace. Stop fighting, stop numbing. Feel and move on.

You will lose this race, over and over. But, run.

Until you're too weak to stand.

Secrets

You have a secret
But as do I

See, you never fail
to remain silent
and I never fail to respond

But, you will falter
to continue
and I will be okay

Because, you are you
to no standard
and I hold you to more

So, you think of me
to keep you warm
and I will dream of who you could be

You have a secret
But as do I, have many
and You and I share some dreams

Feel

I want to feel the wind. To know, without any doubt, that something in this life is moving. I want to feel the wind brush against my cheek and blow my hair across my face. I want to feel the air.

I want to feel the sun. To know, without any doubt, that something in this life is warm. I want to feel the sun shine against my cheek and warm my neck with it's glow. I want to feel the light.

I want to feel the rain. To know, without any doubt, that something in this life is capable of emotion. I want to feel the rain pour against my cheek and run down my face. I want to feel the liquid.

I want to feel the dirt. To know, without any doubt, that something in this life is growing. I want to feel the dirt against my feet and between my toes. I want to feel the solid ground.

I want to feel the Lord. To know, without any doubt, that something in this life is loving. I want to feel the strength in my heart and the expanse in my mind. I want to feel the truth.

Untied

I kind of like living with nothing to lose. When He says follow, it means going, leaving everything else behind. And for the first time in a long time I'm not tied down. While it seems lonely sometimes, aimless others, I can take comfort in my ability to "just go". Having nothing to stop me at the moment, no real tie to any job, boy, apartment, town. I am a willing and aimlessly wondering individual that is in a position to be used. Not by anyone, but by Him. And that is enough, really, to get me through the day and through the entire night. The deal is I can't get close, not to you, or you, or even you, because that'll give me something that I'll want to hold on to. That will bring me to investing more than I could ever leave. Why did it take me so long to find this clue, to find this hint at life? I am me, for Him. And that's exactly what I was made to be. While I might be dealing, fighting, and stirring everything in my heart, I have never been so calm. Never felt such clarity, healing, and peace. And this is the way it should be.

Ghost

Oh how I love Sunday mornings
Get up, grab some coffee, go to church
Oh how I love to just sit there
and watch God work

Oh how somedays it can be sunshine
and you can close your eyes and go to the next
How it can be ups and downs, crazy turns, spin around
But all the while, He's holding your hand

It's been two months since you left me
Since you walked away out the door
Yet so many mornings I wake up
to see you there lying on my floor

But this is me finally saying
Finally wanting you gone
I don't understand where this got messed up
Where I went wrong, but here's my song

Come Back and pick up your ghost
Pick up your baggage
Get the dirty laundry from the floor
I don't want you here anymore

I never though I'd make it out here alone
Every time I come home, I just sit on the floor
Running circles in my mind forevermore
Forevermore

I don't understand how you have power
You're up in your city at your job
And I come home night after night
Feeling the same, sitting all alone

It's like you're dictating my motions
Sitting right there on your throne
Who made you king, who made you prince of anything?
Especially in my home, so here I go

Come pick up your baggage from my floor
Come grab your dirty laundry, I don't want it anymore
Come pick up your ghost, walk away
Walk out my door

It's been two months since you really left me
Every morning I'm tired of waking up empty
Oh make you go away
I don't want you to stay, anymore

So please pick up your ghost
Pick up your baggage from my living room floor
I don't want it anymore
Call a cab, walk out the door

When you leave take away the rain and my pain
So I don't have to wake up everyday feeling the same
I'm through, take your ghost away
Hey, Hey, Hey

I don't want to walk in shame
I don't want to live this everyday
I'm letting go
I don't want your ghost here anymore

So take away the rain
Walk away and take my pain
I can't stand you being here again
Can't stand you, my end

Don't know how I let it get this bad
Don't understand why you've left
and I still feel sad
Oh how I don't understand

Oh how it's funny how it works out
How the shine from behind the clouds can shine out
How a little hope can make it through the rain
So today

Pick up your ghost from my door
Come grab your baggage from my floor
Come get your two stupid shirts from my the back of my closet
Take your dirty laundry out of my washer

Take your presents, your gifts and those memories
Put it all away, walk away
Close the door
And don't forget to take the rain

All my dreams for us and my hopes
All your broken promises, and my broken notes
Take it all away
Get your ghost and go away

I can't sit here another day
Listening to thunder storms when I should be having a great day
Oh how I'm sick of all this pain
And all this rain

Oh how God can rock my world
Can rock me right down to my core
Bring me right to my knees
Right down to praying Rescue Me

Oh how His timing works out
How it shines in these clouds and goes around
Oh how rainbows can cover you
Oh how God loves now

How He can see me here
Hear my cries and come near
How He can pick up my broken heart
and glue it back together

So today, I won't ask you again
come back and pick up my old friend
Put him away
as God takes away my pain

Oh put him away
Oh I won't wait another day

Because oh how I can be
So distracted
distraught, on my knees
Begging please, Lord, rescue me

Oh don't you wait
Don't you stay right there
Come pick up your laundry and disappear
Oh, in the name of my God, I won't let it rain another day

Oh how I love Sunday mornings
Get up, grab coffee, go to church
How I can worship my God
A God that loves me the most

And how his love shines down
through all the clouds
Oh, how his love loves me now
Loves me now

Now that you're not around

Investments

These days it's all about the investment. Between friends. Between parents. All relationships. You are who is invested in you. We all wake up alone, and everyday we count on those who love us to show up. So here I find myself wondering if I'm worthy of the first text, the first call, the first hug. I don't know. Everyday is different. Everyday is filled with new hopes, new letdowns, and new emotions. We are all merely empty glasses waiting to be refilled. We drink daily from what people give us. So, it does matter, that small hug. That smile. That compliment. That text or call. It all adds drops to our thirsty souls. See the Lord never meant for us to do this alone. We can't. While he can quench our thirst, and he can give us bread to eat so we do not hunger, we will never make it alone. We need community. All of us.

So we will be who invests in us. Whether it be the pot head or the church leader. Whoever makes us feel worthy of the first text or the night out, will be how we value ourselves. If the drug dealer shows interest when your church group doesn't even seem to know you're gone... Human nature causes us to love what loves us. After all, why would we do anything without getting anything in return? Why go to Bible study if no one cares if you go? Why go drinking if you love people who don't? We are who invests in us. If we are loved by people that want us to get an education, we will. If we are loved by pot dealers and jail birds, why wouldn't we follow their laziness?

So be that person. Be the person that loves for good. Be that person that invests in the lonely, the lost, the low. They need you. Even the loved need you. Everyone depends on the attention of others. To be worthy of love. Even though, as we are only human, we will let them down, do what you can. Do what you can now. Because now is what matters. Today, tomorrow, next week. Make them know, you care, they matter. Because without some good light, without some positive investment, we'll all fail. We'll all invest in the lowest of low, in the actions that lead us to a desert instead of the sea. Even those that seem most loved or most solid, still need a drink. Sometimes as much as those that are knee deep in desert sand. We all wake up empty, lost in a wasteland, waiting for a little love.

You will become who invests in you. And they will be who invests in them. We all have the power to show a little of God's love, share a little of his truth, of his drink. So let them know, they're worthy of the water.

Burning

Everything is lost
Thrown into midair
Dispair

Everything is gone
Nothing is there
Disappear

I could tear myself into a thousand pieces
One thousand pieces

And catch fire
And who would be there to save me?

Tight

When you find them, hold on tight. Don't let them slip away through miscommunications or stupid interjections. Hold on tight to the people you can count on. And let them be able to count on you. Because good people are hard to find, and the best people are even harder to find. So hold on. Tight.

Two

It's hard not to believe. For me, how could my life not have been planned? Every moment, every second, every smile, every text, every tear. How could it not add up? Life is a series of points, where everything comes together for a short moment and then becomes chaos again. And in these short moments, we can have every comfort, every bit of love, and every bit of clarity. We can see what makes every other miserable second worth it. And that's life. Living every moment until we find ourselves in one where our hearts are genuinely happy. These points all push us closer to where we are supposed to be, every point on the map, perfectly planned and guided. How could it be any other way? How could we not be in constant preparation for the points to come? With everything I've been through, every experience, teared or smiling, fearing or laughing, it all adds up. Life is nothing but one plus one. We just can't see it. We complicate everything, and miss the simple miracles. The daily points when everything comes together. And as soon as we open our eyes, we'll find two is always the answer. Always.

Unfinished

White and Black
Dark and Light

Color
You color my world

Shades of grey
Shades of life

Yellow
Right in the middle

The eye of the storm
Colored

Silence, again.

I am lost. Between broken and healed. Forgotten between the cracks. When all on Earth means nothing to me, nothing that calls to me or hears me. I know He is here. And with everything, when I call He hears. He comes. He feels. He holds. He mends. What a long process this seems to be. An unending, winding road into the far off distance. And it seems nothing but up, up, and up. Why am I here? How can I move from there to there? How come no one responds? How come no one cares to hear my voice? I talk and talk and talk. But am not heard. I am not answered. I just speak to the walls around me. How can I be so alone? So lost? How can You put me here? Why? Why? You hear me, but why will you not respond? Why do I deserve a blank stare? Why don't I deserve an answer?

Of Course

Now that all of you has faded away, I see who is standing, staring me right in the face. And I see what I should have seen all along.

Being Here

Being here, it's almost like things aren't so complicated. It's good to wake up in your own bed and not have to get dressed until one o'clock. It's good to see all the people you've been missing all year. It's good to see your family. And it's all good, until ten o'clock at night, when the coffee shop closes and all that's left here are faulty street lights to stare at. Then you remember that you wish you were back at college- when life starts at ten PM, and you had places to be and parties to attend. When life only circled around when your next test was and when you could stop studying. That's about the time when the simple allusion fades away, and being here goes right back to complicated. When adjusting to life back at home becomes a challenge and everyday is a struggle to find excitement in boredom. When the neon open sign flashes off, and you realize you aren't where you want to be. And this is the hardest part. Coming home and finding out how the person you changed into acts here. How your college self and your college reality adjusts to the home reality. While the homework list may become nonexistent and the worry about where the hell to park or what grade you made on your last test drifts away, you find yourself lost. Lost somewhere between college and home. And you can't figure out how to put who you are now in the shoes you left in your closet when you went away. It's the tearing down process before you can rebuild that tests us. We left this city one way and returned another, and we all know that the bubble here doesn't like change. We were all molded the way our high school wanted and now we come back trying to put a square in a circle. The truth is, I thought coming home would be easy. Just slip right back into a life with nothing to do and nothing to worry about. But when is it ever that easy? I go places that use to bring me comfort, yet now I walk through the door and get no sense of belonging. I thought it would be nice to have no math homework to accomplish, however the aching feeling that I have something I'm forgetting to do, doesn't go away. Being here, there is only a faint feeling of security. And right when you feel it, you look at the clock or the calendar or the lack of text messages in your inbox and you remember that you're not in Kansas anymore. We find ourselves staring at the far Emerald city without any idea of how to get there and there's no one around to sing silly songs with or help you find your way. It's just you and a million obstacles. That's the battle we are fighting, and we'll finish it someday hopefully. Maybe one day we'll wake up and be saddened that we'll have to leave again in the fall. Maybe. Or possibly, we'll just learn to live with our lives being crammed into the cookie cutter way we use to be. Or maybe we'll be comfortable being lost in the fields of flowers right before Emerald city that will make us fall asleep. And there we'll finally be able to find rest, numb from the feeling that we don't belong at home alone at 9:30 at night, and we can avoid the coffee shop that isn't 24-hours. We can turn our eyes away from what makes us miss college, and can dream of the day we will return. And that's what summer seems to be here. This town, our town, no longer having anything to offer us, but boredom and a Whataburger. And while we have our families and old high school friends, everything is so different to us. We are not who we were last summer, and being here will never be the same. 

Wrapped In Light

Four
there were four us there
for what ever reason

This is my mess of an explication. Does it really matter if it makes sense? At this point, does one and one have to equal two? It was a mess. It still is a mess, turning itself from side to side in my mind. And it's a lot. It's a lot of a mess. Never ending, no sight of the beginning or the end. Everything in our lives seemed to have led us to that exact point in time, at that exact location. In the midst of this mess, it was just exactly how our worlds were supposed to be. A complex mess that would turn us upside down, and shake our core.

There were four of us
Five, but only four
Exactly where we were supposed to be
doing exactly what we were supposed to be doing

We could have ran
But we didn't
We could have turned our backs
But we didn't

We all accepted it
Took it into our hands
And then handed it to God
It was all we could do

And that is where the miracle lies
That is where he came in
And that's where we all put on our cloaks
Cloaks of light

If I could take my eyes and give them to you I would. If I could explain these emotions in words, translate it into some replication to show you, I would. But this is unexplainable, worse than goose bumps or chills, more than senses or brain waves, more than neurons. This goes farther than anything of this world. Anything of our world. And should you believe me or not, it doesn't matter to me. My eyes know what I saw. My hands know what I felt. And my soul knows. And that is what matters to me.

There's a web
That God weaves
And all four of us,
we saw that, first hand

We all know
We all believe
We all stood strong
Wrapped in Light

If I could write more, explain more, I would. But words fail. Everything fails. There is nothing that could make you understand what happened two nights ago. Nothing that could give you even the slightest inclination of what we experienced.

There are points in our lives that change us, that mold us, that create us in the image we were supposed to be. Points in the web that God ties knots at. Knots that will change every thing about us. And that was one of them for the four of us. That was one point that we will never forget. No time, no drug, no other memory can erase two nights ago. That will be with us forever. No end. But that is all I can see. That is all I can explain. And we will always hold tight to what we know, what we saw, and what we experienced. Our cloaks will always be in reach.

"Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour." -1 Peter 5:8

"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." -Isaiah 41:10

Grasp of Faith

We all go through pain. We all go through sorrow. We all feel lonely, and feel like no one is there to reach out. Why are we, the human race, so stubborn? To place ourselves in our boxes, embarrassed to share what we feel with not even one other person. The ironic thing is, everyone has a person. Someone that God put in their life to help them through chaos and help them up. We all fall, and need help up, and God puts hands there to reach out. So, why do we ignore them? Or more likely, why do we blind our eyes from what God wants us to see? There are little things that can keep us going, small reminders like butterfly kisses from the wind that God places in our paths; yet we ignore them. We focus on the storm that is either brewing, storming, or passing away. We don't turn our eyes to heaven and see past the clouds to the God beyond. We selfishly place ourselves at the center of our world, at the center of our storm and see no one out there. We say no one cares, and feel lonely. And before we know it we're blaming and fighting, when we should confiding. We blind ourselves to the shelter of hands that are there.

These hands, my hands, are here. I am reaching. Thank God for shedding light upon them. But you still have to hold on. I can graze your cheek and stroke your back, but you have hold on tight before I can help you up. I always needed you to need me like I needed you. And it seems now that you always did. But you never let me in. You never let me take your hand. And even with the light reflecting off my open palms, I can only hope that you will take my hands now.

So, will you?

To My Father

Thank you
for all that you have done
all that you are doing
and all that you still have to do

Thank you
for being the wisdom in my words
the love behind my actions
and the content feeling that clings to me

Thank you
for calming a raging storm
opening the closed door
and bringing me back to the light

Thank you
for opening his eyes
shaping my life
and sending the million miracles I see everyday

Amen

Give and Take

There is a rise and fall of waves in an ocean. A time to live and a time to die. A time to smile and a time to cry. And like everything, there is a time to let go, move on, walk away from battle. But today is not that day. Our time is not up. Do not falter, or question, or back up. Today is not that day. Nor is tomorrow or the next day. Do not give up. Stop thinking, start feeling. Fall in love with me with all my faults and all our flaws, because we can still be a beautiful mess. Is that not what most of life is? Just fall for me. Please. Because I fell for you, and it will suck if I have to help myself back up.

Lights

Lights passing by
on the high way
a million miles an hour

White lines
dividing traffic
pointing us further

Moments with you
in the world
changing lanes

The Cay

You seem to isolate me. You put me on this island and leave me here telling me to make friends, telling me to occupy my time. You tell me not to think about you all the time. But how am I supposed to not think about the rescue ship in the bay? How am I to avoid wanting to be rescued constantly by you. How am I supposed to live isolated? Sand and waves can occupy me for only so long. When the storm comes, will you still be there or will you be on shore protecting me? I feel left, and alone. And I don't know what else to say.

The Tide

We all aim to be something, to make something of our lives here in the time we are given. We all come to reality and break the clear glass. We make ripples and pull ourselves out of darkness. Water that once held us down will fall from our face, and we will break free. We will come up to breathe.

You have taught me to swim these enchanted waters. Waters that can be calm, can be rough. A deep sea that we can easily get lost in. When there is no raft, you have taught me to swim. And not to stop. To keep on. And from you I have grown. I can endure.

When all else fades, I can close my eyes, move my hands, and stay afloat. And to those lost souls, left drowning beneath, we can all be inspired, for them, to swim. In turn, may they see our strength, and find theirs.

Let us know the calm before the storm. Let us prepare and cherish the waters in which we live. When the waves get rough, let us keep hope. And when the waves move slowly and slosh around, let us smile and rest. Let us know, that we will meet a ship, and it will lead us home, but until then, we should swim. Swim every day, day by day, improving our bodies, improving our spirits.

And all these swimming lessons, these that have affected all I am, may I in turn teach you some as well.

The Breaking Point

"I'm sorry."

So over used. So under-expressed. I can't help but breath a little less every time. This hurts. I am left. Again and again. You say you continue to stay, but then you walk away. You say you never forget me, but here I am in this bed alone. Here I lay, alone, alone, alone. My echo is the only sound I can hear, the reflection in the mirror, an empty hand, the only thing I can see. My own warmth, all left to grow cold. Where did you go? How can you put me on the bottom of the pile? Put everything, everything, above me. You rest it all on my shoulders? It weighs me down, making me small, almost nothing to you at all. You give me no excuse, no reason, just a shake of your head, a squeeze of my hand. Don't thank me for understanding, thank me for waiting. For waiting on the edge of my seat for everything I receive from you. I live, falling faster and faster, more and more freely in love with you, and I watch as you smile my way, but walk right past. I am left pushed away, why? Why do you make me feel this way? You claim you need to work on these things, but what happened to stepping up? What happened to not try, do? By God, the greatest lesson I have learned from you is to never be content failing, to always do, never try, just succeed. Do nothing less than it all. Where is your response, where is your change, your movement to new and leaving of old? I ask nothing more than what you ask of me. I step up, I stand when I fall, I run when it hurts.

And "I'm sorry", fails.
"I'm sorry" doesn't count anymore, for anything.

Break the wall, or break down.

Change

How comfortable we can get in our tiny little worlds in which we live. The ones where the road ends with the end of the city limits. The world in which a plane can never take us away or a car can never lead us astray. How big the map is, but so little we actually know of it, content in our boundaries we set for ourselves. Fear is our fence, chains are our running shoes. We go no farther than the "Stop" at the end of our neighborhood street. We do not break the wall and keep on, we pause. We stay stuck and content with absolutely nothing. And we do not miss what we do not know.

How strange it is that we can open a letter to the rest of the world. One line that eliminates all boundaries, finds all faults, and builds a bridge to the greener grass. The greener grass and purer water for us to drink. And with one tear, on sweeping motion, the brakes unlock and we can move. We become what we never thought was possible. We break the wall, we crack the lock, we cut the chains, we stare at fear and watch the fence disappear. Freedom. What we never realized. What we never accepted until now.

Until now.

Take It or Leave It

My love is messy
Up and down
back and forth from smile to frown

It comes in waves
that break your shore
and repel back to sea some more

My love is full
Never incomplete
Just swayed in and out, remarkably unique

It is complex at times
simple at others
yet always pure to heart and fully tethered

My love will always be
Never contained or controlled
Never mined or refined

It will exist as it does
in kindness and mind
lasting until you set it free

But My love,
most cautiously
should be taken as it's seen

It cannot be burdened
by analysis or discontent
it must be taken for what it's meant

Because my Love, you see,
Life is simple
Love is free

Falling For You

There are many things that scare me. You are one of them. You have all this power to bend me and break me, make me shatter into a thousand pieces. There are a million things I could say, things I still need to say, but all that matters right now is that I'm here. That's is why falling doesn't seem so scary. You aren't so scary when I feel like I'm being caught. And that's what you like about me. I'm here and I care. I won't ever let you fall to the ground. What you need to learn is that I fall, and I fall fast. You can't keep letting other people catch me. You can't keep letting me fear alone. I need something to let me know you're here. To let me know, I may be falling, but I will be caught. I need something to work with. Something to sleep to. I can't go to sleep feeling like I'm falling in midair, "us" in some limbo between sky and earth. You take me out of my comfort zone, you make me grow. And I love that. And I work at that every day. I work and change and shift and mold into who I want to become. And I shift for you, I do. But when things are hazy, I look down and see fog and reach, but don't feel you there. I don't see hands. I just get scared. And I feel like I'm free falling. Where are you to catch me?

You want me to be confident in us, but when we start falling, you never seem like you really care to catch me. Give me time to trust you, adjust to catching me.

Leaving

I tried so hard to not make you everything. I tried so hard to do it right. Where did I go wrong? Where did we get off? At what point in this story shift and I fall behind. I don't like being forgotten. I don't like not being missed. I don't like feeling this way. I don't like this. I don't like us right now. When did this happen? Why won't you talk to me? Why am I easy to forget?

I don't like being forgotten.

Feedback

The glass is half full,
but we are half empty.
We drink,
but do not quench.
We get up to go,
but never leave.
We search,
but never find.
We hunger,
but are never full.

The glass disappoints,
but we still pick it up
and put it to our parched lips.

Lonely

When all is said in done, when the day fades and the night calls

There are stars that stand out in darkness and shine

When stillness embarks on noise and the mess of sound leaves silence

At least there is no chaos of waves left in the air to fuck with us

But then again, at the end, what does anything mean?

The memories we create that stand in our minds eventually fall

And the songs that we sing, we all eventually forget the words.

So, why, do we try so hard to remember, to recall?

When the sunset, and the sun rises, we just start fresh

The light washes everything away

So what of This Day?

What of yesterday and tomorrow, and the week after that?

Is there really anything for us here?

Is there really anyone for us here?

Silence.

We’re all alone.

At the end of the day

Aren’t we?

How many questions we leave unanswered

How many mistakes we make and leave uncorrected

Why? Why would we try?

For anything, that in the end is nothing?

Silly stars, there to throw us off

We run for a finish line that isn’t there

We speed for a crash we can’t avoid, and break for nothing

If we lived everyday for something, what could that something even be?

Why would that even exist?

But if it did…

What would it be at the end of the day?

Nothing?

Or stars?

Do I get to be a star?

Is that even possible?

Is that even a reason to run or drive or exist?

You’re right.

I’ll never know.

Because like everyone else,

I am nothing

I am fucked

Shafted by a world of lies that set us up to fail

We are built so we will fall

We wake so we can sleep through life

Because we are nothing

Dust under a mat, swept up and hidden

We are each our own magnets dropped under the fridge

We are all lost

We are all forgotten

We are neglected, and mistreated, and hated

Because we are nothing

We spend our lives achieving nothing

We shoot for the stars and shoot for the moon

But we never leave the ground

We’re stuck in lives we don’t want to live

Running for nothing

Or running for someone

We put our hopes in things that will disappoint and disappear.

And where does that leave us?

In silence.

Alone?

When all is said in done, we look up at the stars

In darkness we stare, and our hearts call for something more

Our eyes search for what we’ll never find

But we all look back down to the ground

We fumble around

And we realize.

Everything is nothing when the sunsets.

The world resets. 

We begin anew.

I look at the stars and then I look at you.

One Million

I could sit here and elaborate on every detail of our conversations. I could tell you about how I got dressed up and did my hair, or how we played video games and watched music videos. I could even tell you how it was when he kissed me.

But at the end of the day it has nothing to do with all of that. It doesn't matter what we did or how we we did it. What matters are those simple moments when I just stare at his eyes and he stares back. It makes me feel like a million shooting stars all crossing the sky at the exact same moment; like a million wishes coming true. When he smiles at me and I smile back and the world stops. When the earth halts on its axis and the wind ceases to blow, and all is still and all is right. When I get goose bumps and laugh. What matters is that in that one moment, I feel him hold me and love me and kiss me in one look. That is the simplicity that my day boils down to. It doesn't matter if I stressed or cried, all that fades away because at the end of the day I close my eyes thinking of his staring back at me.

It is that one look that gets me every time. Like a thousand sunsets and a thousand sun rises. Neither hurt nor sorrow can reach me. I'm invincible. My heart could shatter, yet I feel safe. It's taking a risk and jumping and being caught all at once. It's an up and down, a fight and a victory, rain and shine. It doesn't matter wether we were alone or with friends, here or there. In a crowd of people, in silence in his room, the look doesn't change. And day by day, when I wake up to when I fall asleep, I know that if I were to stare, he'd look back. It's a glance that reaches in through my eyes straight to my heart. It's what people write novels about, what people sing about, what movie plots circle around. It's one glance in one moment, once or twice a day, that make me feel flawless, remarkable, needed, and loved. It's one glance that comforts all my doubts and all my insecurities. It's one glance that makes me fall in love, over and over and over again. Every day, all day, a constant reminder that I am blessed, that I am loved, but more importantly that I have something to cherish. I have something to keep me going when the going gets tough. When it rains I think of that look. When it shines I think of that look.

So, yes, I could tell you about my day or my date or my most recent adventure. But that doesn't matter. It's about how many moments I was laughing. How many moments I felt happy. And it can all be summed up in those moments when our eyes lock for what seems like eternity, but is really mere seconds. It's all about one million shooting stars crossing the sky. One million wishes all coming true.

On Shore

There is an up and down

a rise and fall

a sun where there is no sun at all

A flower bloomed

with life and love

freedom like a soaring dove

With dark nights

that leave you molded

and dusty and rusted

A sky filled with stars

but die with light

and returning fight

An ebb and flow

of churning water

of love and laughter that doesn't falter

A coat of mist

that highlights your cheeks

and shows you meek

What we see 

is not what we believe

and still not what we leave

There is a sea

growing, moving, flooding

where impossibility is not breathing 

But we sit on shore

and watch the boats drown

move up and down

We sit still

while they rise and fall

a sun where there is no sun at all

Freedom

Though this road changes daily, with ice or snow to rain or mud, a smile should never fade. The car will grow older and gain milage, but with every turn or mile forward, you gain sense of yourself. And this is the journey, to find and acknowledge who we really are. The person deep in the soul of every one of us is longing to be rescued and set free. So on this road we journey to ourselves. And every day the road will challenge, damage, ruin, and throw us from it's grasp. But, without fail, we will prevail. Because with our tool kits and spare tires, we will push forward. And one day when our gas tanks are empty, our lights have run dim, and our tire-tred has disappeared, we will wither into this road and become it. But through all, we will hold happiness, like a map, to our hearts, to our minds. Because it is happiness that makes the journey worth it. Without smile, why should we care who we really are? Without laughter, why should it matter that we are ourselves? So hold to our maps, because on days when it rains, hails, storms, we will need to remember from where we came and to where we are going. And with endurance and our heads held high, we will drive to the ends of the earth and reach God's most beautiful sunset. And it is in these white lines, graveled shoulders, and dusty trails that we will discover our own engines and our own souls. Here in this path, on this road, in this time, you travel, we travel, to find ourselves. To find who we are. So here is to being set free.

Out There

Every once in a while, I'll think of you. Spare a moment on you. Send my thoughts through the sky to where ever you are. And whoever you are, I love you. Where ever you are, enjoy your day and think of me too. Though I don't know who you are, I'll spare a joyful thought to send your way. I will. I know one day will come, but until then, until happy memories we will fill, smile for me. I think of you.

I love you.
And I hope I've already met you.

When It's Right

I stopped 

thinking

breathing

I started

doing

believing

I stopped

guessing

freezing

I started

loving

falling

I stopped

I started

I am living

Intersection

There is a line that we all come to. We have to stop and stare and let it sink in. Eventually we will realize what the line means. We'll assign a meaning and a reason for it's existence. And one day we'll pick up a foot and take a step. One step that will change everything. Our existence will alter, our path will shift, and our heart beat will race.

The sun will sit high in the sky. Clouds painted with pastels and decorated with shine. And dew will fall from our eyes. And it will be a beautiful day. The day that the race changed. The day that the city lights sped by. And the stars fell from the sky.

But, it's all about the line. In the sand, where it begins and where it ends.

All At Once

I am speechless: an airplane in flight. Landing. Jumping. Falling. Loving. Freeing. It feels good to be scared and held and crash and still. All at once. It's all at once on you like rain. Like lightening in the sky in a storm. Or the sunrise. Or the evening breeze when it's just you and me. Like wingless bird flying or tree bark dying. It's a mix of hot and cold, life and death, love and loss. You can't help but smile or cry, wet and dry. Flying high and diving low. Knowing much more than you should ever know.

But the flight. The flight. It's more than alright. You should be free falling, but you're safe. You're safe and high and flying right. Turbulence and disturbance, and through all you dance. And then you land.

You land speechless. On an empty bed. And rest your head.

The Rulers

We all do it. Look at their pictures, follow there smiles. We all do it- measure ourselves up. We place our smile next to their's and match our eyes. We glance their way multiple times a day and feel a piece of our happiness drop. They look happy. Look at their pictures, moments stilled in time. And their happiness appears to out shine our own. Look at their eyes. And look at mine. They are happy. And that makes us sad by default. Measured up, we'll never be the same.

Remember though, stand on your own without a ruler, and you can be as great as your mind will make you. Anything is possible. We can be immeasurable.

I Wink

Smile. Smile for me. Because you're beautiful. In every way. You try to hide the smudges and the scratches, but there is no need. You are beautiful with every rip and tear. And we're all a little beat up, aren't we? So smile for me because it makes your eyes shine and your face that much brighter. Because we're having fun and living free. And when you smile, I smile. When you laugh, I laugh. So don't hold back. Smile, smile, smile. And don't stop. You are beautiful and when you smile, I wink.

Everyday

We wake up everyday to put on our clothes and shoes and walk outside. And then we walk to our cars and go. Go, go, go. The world is in constant motion. Our daily lives running on full speed, our bodies following the steps of the days preceding. Why? What compels us to keep moving forward? Or better yet, why must we? What about seizing the day? What about smelling the roses? We should wake up everyday wondering what today will bring. Throw out the plans, the calendar, the visual image of how our day should go. Things will always go awry, and we must learn to accept those changes and deal with them suddenly and with grace. Why march the same steps everyday? Our bodies tire of repetition. The beaten path we live everyday should be challenged. Everyday should be a new day, the next day. It should not be yesterday or the day before that. It should change with the sun and grow with the trees. We should move, but with the world. Not the race. The race is won, therefore forget the end and live the steps. The steps we take forward, live in them. Not tomorrow or yesterday. When the dew hits the leaves and the sun hits the morning sky, live today. Live today everyday. Because everyday is new. Everyday is not like the last and won't be like the next.