Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Calm Waters

For the first time, I know what I should be doing. And that is nothing. Life should be coming to me. I do not need to worry or plan. No more running or backing up. All there is is a slow steady, calming movement forward. Like floating. Floating down a soft stream in God's hands. I am supposed to be inactive, letting the current take me to where I need to be. No more rushing, stalling, pausing, or confusing. I am supposed to be calm.

Calm. Quiet. Serene. And smiling. Where I will be tomorrow, next week, I have no idea. But where ever I land is where I am supposed to be. And for the first time "I don't know" does not scare me, it doesn't not make me falter or question. It strengthens me and calls to me. It sings me to sleep and carries me forward.

So I don't know. I don't know what I will do with my life. I don't know what I will say to you. I don't know what that kiss meant. I don't know. My lack of knowledge is my knowledge. The unknown is my hope, my comfort and my unexplained plan. This is exactly where I need to be. Exactly how I need to feel.

The sun is bright, the water warm. The clouds white, the sky blue. There is peace in my soul. And this is not only my journey, but my destination. Moving and unmoving. Finally caught in the contradiction of the Father.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011


Every once in a while your name comes across my path, and with it memories and horror stories are dragged. Covered in mud and smeared with cuts, I remember. And while it was all in the plan, on the map, from when it first began until it was at last finished, I ponder. Why? For the lessons I have learned, to the scars I carry on my soul, for my life, why? Why do we have to waste so much time? Why is the broken road so long? I am angry at how you treated me. But then at peace, it was a storm before calm. I am worth everything. Now I know. But why did it take this long for me to realize? Why did it take this amount of pain? This amount of horror, deceiving, and imagery?

I will never know.

But, I have hope. Hope for the future. And one day I'll be able to jump without holding back, to fall without second guessing, to love without worrying. And that day, I hope you'll realize what you lost. And I hope you'll see what I'm gaining. Why could I never see clearly until now? Why couldn't I see what everyone else could call?

Whatever the case, the reason, it means as much as a ten cents to me now. Because here I am exactly where I need to be, missing the person that I should be missing. Falling for the person that's falling back. Feeling strongly for the man that's standing tall. Someone worth me. Worth it all.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Arrivals and Departures

It is a hard thing to give your heart away. It is hard to get on a plane and leave it there. Walk away without any fear. It is hard to take a leap of faith. To believe in timing, in hope, in trust. It is difficult. Leaving your heart with someone else is one of the more difficult things to do, if not the most difficult thing to do. It's a decision in trust, in fear, in love. It's a decision one should not simply make.

However with all these months, this whole past year, why did you make it so easy? How is it possible to feel such fear combined with peace all in one moment?

You give up the right to protect it, to cherish it. You give up control of where it is kept, how it is treated, and if it will be broken. You relinquish almost everything, except the claim that it's ultimately yours and that it will always be returned. Whether you take it back or it is given back broken, chipped, or bruised. It's hard to leave it all out there. To leave it and walk away, hoping- praying- that everything will be okay.

But for some weird reason, when I looked before I jumped, I saw you there. With open arms. And I jumped. Easily.

I don't know where this will go, or even how we got here. But regardless, I'm glad we're here. As much as I'm scared of having my heart returned broken, it's not enough to keep me from handing it over. The risk is worth the reward. And so here I am.

Hopefully caught- in loving arms. While leaving my heart in your hands. My tiny heart, shattered and torn and taped back together. And here, a couple hundred miles away, I feel your warmth. I feel your arms. I feel your heart beating. Beating with mine.

Monday, August 15, 2011


Somewhere between home and here. We were lost and now we're found. Right before the leap of faith, the drop of the hat, the speech of fate. There is nothing better than how we got here. Memory lane that leads us to the beginning. Past the cursed, dark, and the dreary. Past the hurt, the pain, the healing. Towards the simple, confined, and left behind. Towards the dawn of where the past alined. There.

Where calm and clarity was as much as a gram of a smile, a pound of a lion, and a gate that we never questioned.

Yet, here, our boundaries are no more. There existence, only in our minds. For once we can do anything. From one thing to everything. A gravel road, twists and turns, led us here. And here, we are. Not one more step or one more back.

Calm. Pause. Appreciate this moment. Because as soon as the wind comes, as soon as you blink, life will be all but the same. There is no going back, no re-living. Just another beginning. A new breath, a new step, another left. So take it in. Take it all in.  

And where ever here may be for me, I hope you know, I think of you and dream.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011


What should be hated the most is hope. That little spark that never lets you go. That second glance, wondering if he'll look back. That double take, wondering if she'd even care. That mindless dreaming we wander in to. That small flame that burns. Burns in our eyes. That's the flame or lack of it. When we light up. That sparkle. That's what hope is. That's where it lives. Fireplace eyes. Ten thousand Brown Eyed Lane. Right there in the windows. You can see that from a hundred miles away. And that's just the good part.

When it dims, that's when the smoke all hits the alarm. The let down. You know what I'm talking about.

It's this hope that keeps me holding my breath. But see, stupid girl, what has hope brought me before? Just a bunch of dim-witted nights, tucking myself in. Life has a funny way of making me dizzy. Round and round. Like a child's carousal.

See, this could be a good quality. You know, the optimism. But what they forget to tell you in the memo, what they leave off the terms of agreement, is the painful part. The part when hail and wind and salt water come rushing in to extinguish your light. When the stars cease to sparkle.  When that tiny little piece of your heart dies. Candle, burned out.

But apart from the morbidness of the entire situation, this is the one everlasting flame. The one thing that neither hell nor Heaven, nor good or evil could ever annihilate. And us with our human emotions, we just have to hang on. And like we're wired to do, we'll relight that good ole fireplace. We cannot help ourselves.

But, hey, here's to another day.

Full of hope.