Leaving

I tried so hard to not make you everything. I tried so hard to do it right. Where did I go wrong? Where did we get off? At what point in this story shift and I fall behind. I don't like being forgotten. I don't like not being missed. I don't like feeling this way. I don't like this. I don't like us right now. When did this happen? Why won't you talk to me? Why am I easy to forget?

I don't like being forgotten.

Feedback

The glass is half full,
but we are half empty.
We drink,
but do not quench.
We get up to go,
but never leave.
We search,
but never find.
We hunger,
but are never full.

The glass disappoints,
but we still pick it up
and put it to our parched lips.

Lonely

When all is said in done, when the day fades and the night calls

There are stars that stand out in darkness and shine

When stillness embarks on noise and the mess of sound leaves silence

At least there is no chaos of waves left in the air to fuck with us

But then again, at the end, what does anything mean?

The memories we create that stand in our minds eventually fall

And the songs that we sing, we all eventually forget the words.

So, why, do we try so hard to remember, to recall?

When the sunset, and the sun rises, we just start fresh

The light washes everything away

So what of This Day?

What of yesterday and tomorrow, and the week after that?

Is there really anything for us here?

Is there really anyone for us here?

Silence.

We’re all alone.

At the end of the day

Aren’t we?

How many questions we leave unanswered

How many mistakes we make and leave uncorrected

Why? Why would we try?

For anything, that in the end is nothing?

Silly stars, there to throw us off

We run for a finish line that isn’t there

We speed for a crash we can’t avoid, and break for nothing

If we lived everyday for something, what could that something even be?

Why would that even exist?

But if it did…

What would it be at the end of the day?

Nothing?

Or stars?

Do I get to be a star?

Is that even possible?

Is that even a reason to run or drive or exist?

You’re right.

I’ll never know.

Because like everyone else,

I am nothing

I am fucked

Shafted by a world of lies that set us up to fail

We are built so we will fall

We wake so we can sleep through life

Because we are nothing

Dust under a mat, swept up and hidden

We are each our own magnets dropped under the fridge

We are all lost

We are all forgotten

We are neglected, and mistreated, and hated

Because we are nothing

We spend our lives achieving nothing

We shoot for the stars and shoot for the moon

But we never leave the ground

We’re stuck in lives we don’t want to live

Running for nothing

Or running for someone

We put our hopes in things that will disappoint and disappear.

And where does that leave us?

In silence.

Alone?

When all is said in done, we look up at the stars

In darkness we stare, and our hearts call for something more

Our eyes search for what we’ll never find

But we all look back down to the ground

We fumble around

And we realize.

Everything is nothing when the sunsets.

The world resets. 

We begin anew.

I look at the stars and then I look at you.

One Million

I could sit here and elaborate on every detail of our conversations. I could tell you about how I got dressed up and did my hair, or how we played video games and watched music videos. I could even tell you how it was when he kissed me.

But at the end of the day it has nothing to do with all of that. It doesn't matter what we did or how we we did it. What matters are those simple moments when I just stare at his eyes and he stares back. It makes me feel like a million shooting stars all crossing the sky at the exact same moment; like a million wishes coming true. When he smiles at me and I smile back and the world stops. When the earth halts on its axis and the wind ceases to blow, and all is still and all is right. When I get goose bumps and laugh. What matters is that in that one moment, I feel him hold me and love me and kiss me in one look. That is the simplicity that my day boils down to. It doesn't matter if I stressed or cried, all that fades away because at the end of the day I close my eyes thinking of his staring back at me.

It is that one look that gets me every time. Like a thousand sunsets and a thousand sun rises. Neither hurt nor sorrow can reach me. I'm invincible. My heart could shatter, yet I feel safe. It's taking a risk and jumping and being caught all at once. It's an up and down, a fight and a victory, rain and shine. It doesn't matter wether we were alone or with friends, here or there. In a crowd of people, in silence in his room, the look doesn't change. And day by day, when I wake up to when I fall asleep, I know that if I were to stare, he'd look back. It's a glance that reaches in through my eyes straight to my heart. It's what people write novels about, what people sing about, what movie plots circle around. It's one glance in one moment, once or twice a day, that make me feel flawless, remarkable, needed, and loved. It's one glance that comforts all my doubts and all my insecurities. It's one glance that makes me fall in love, over and over and over again. Every day, all day, a constant reminder that I am blessed, that I am loved, but more importantly that I have something to cherish. I have something to keep me going when the going gets tough. When it rains I think of that look. When it shines I think of that look.

So, yes, I could tell you about my day or my date or my most recent adventure. But that doesn't matter. It's about how many moments I was laughing. How many moments I felt happy. And it can all be summed up in those moments when our eyes lock for what seems like eternity, but is really mere seconds. It's all about one million shooting stars crossing the sky. One million wishes all coming true.

On Shore

There is an up and down

a rise and fall

a sun where there is no sun at all

A flower bloomed

with life and love

freedom like a soaring dove

With dark nights

that leave you molded

and dusty and rusted

A sky filled with stars

but die with light

and returning fight

An ebb and flow

of churning water

of love and laughter that doesn't falter

A coat of mist

that highlights your cheeks

and shows you meek

What we see 

is not what we believe

and still not what we leave

There is a sea

growing, moving, flooding

where impossibility is not breathing 

But we sit on shore

and watch the boats drown

move up and down

We sit still

while they rise and fall

a sun where there is no sun at all

Freedom

Though this road changes daily, with ice or snow to rain or mud, a smile should never fade. The car will grow older and gain milage, but with every turn or mile forward, you gain sense of yourself. And this is the journey, to find and acknowledge who we really are. The person deep in the soul of every one of us is longing to be rescued and set free. So on this road we journey to ourselves. And every day the road will challenge, damage, ruin, and throw us from it's grasp. But, without fail, we will prevail. Because with our tool kits and spare tires, we will push forward. And one day when our gas tanks are empty, our lights have run dim, and our tire-tred has disappeared, we will wither into this road and become it. But through all, we will hold happiness, like a map, to our hearts, to our minds. Because it is happiness that makes the journey worth it. Without smile, why should we care who we really are? Without laughter, why should it matter that we are ourselves? So hold to our maps, because on days when it rains, hails, storms, we will need to remember from where we came and to where we are going. And with endurance and our heads held high, we will drive to the ends of the earth and reach God's most beautiful sunset. And it is in these white lines, graveled shoulders, and dusty trails that we will discover our own engines and our own souls. Here in this path, on this road, in this time, you travel, we travel, to find ourselves. To find who we are. So here is to being set free.