Quiet

An old draft I've finally published:

It takes being content to see it clearly. To be calm in your fear, to be quiet and hear God's whisper. This however takes many moments to learn, many to capture, and many many more to master. But one day, when you have reached far past desperation, when you have almost given up hope, it will come to you. In only a glimmer: tiny, almost inconceivable, floating off in the distance. And you'll reach for it. And that's when you'll feel it at your fingertips. Love, dancing between your painted nails.

Blurry or not blurry?

It would be quite fitting that I stumble my way back here at exactly this date: two days away from it being an entire year from my last posting.

Simply putting it, I've been busy. But if we're being honest, I've been living, which is a lot more than just having a busy schedule. I've been up and down and this way and that, emotions to emotionless, tired to awake, drunk to sober.  And in no particular order. But that's life isn't it? A constant mess of a timeline that won't make sense to anyone unless in hindsight.

So here's to blurry vision. Arrows. Wands. Newspapers. Wine. And pillows. All of which I've had almost a lethal dose of this year.

See me for what you will, or don't. At this point — frankly — I couldn't care less.

Inhale, Exhale

Things have been a little intense around here lately. I wanted to drop in, but it will only be for a bit. I guess I finally had some time to sit without immediate distraction. Finally listened to some of the new Coldplay album. The song Charlie Brown (the original album version) reminded me of the person I used to be a little bit. Or I shouldn't say used to be, the person I am, the part of me that's a little hidden right now. I guess, the person I'd be if I had one day to be completely still.

There's about ten or fifteen seconds on the end of the song that switch to a couple chords of piano. It was so peaceful and complete, it gave me goosebumps. Good goosebumps. The kind that makes me want to relive those few moments, where one breath could make me calm, collected, you know, the kind of moment that makes me feel close. Close to whatever you feel close to- love, God, God and love, life... whatever it is that causes a moment of reality to intercede with whatever alternate universe and spiritual realm that's out there. The kind of pause at which the whole Earth stops for you and every drop of air is clarity, and you breath it in. So it seemed enough to write about. Because, after all, as long as you still have those kind of moments, then you're still in touch. Not in touch with reality, but in touch with the more important part, the part that goes beyond everything we can see. The moment where you feel what your heart feels, but with your fingertips. When you can touch the un-touchable, you can close your eyes and imagine the un-imaginable. And for these moments we can reach out of this world and into Eden with all it's inviting waterfalls. It's like the whole universe lines up for you for one brief moment.

And then you exhale.

Equations

I guess at some point I finally opened my eyes. Has anyone else noticed that there is actually no color in this world, just splotches of mix-match greys. There is clearly a right and wrong, drawn in a black sharpie line across the floor. But that's just a line, a small insignificant scratch that is barely even noticeable unless you're looking for it. And no one lives there. It's not even a fence. One might hardly call it a line. So besides that, it's all grey area. It's all moral code that there exists no common knowledge for. Everyone has their own interpretation. Their own fears and yes and no and blah blah blah. See, I think there's three types of people in this world: those that see the world in color, those who see the world in black and white, and those people like me.

Those who see it in color don't even know the half of it. But then again maybe that's how they get by. Equations. Yes and no, dark and light, acceptable and unacceptable. And they can go on searching their whole lives for what they feel is missing. I can tell you right now that no amount of color and cheer in this world will ever feel that space, you can't get grey out of blue, red or yellow.

And for those who see it as black and white, well we can just call them robots. They'll never really see any good in things, because with such a stark contradiction existing in their lives how will they ever take risks.

Then there's me. And hopefully more people like me out there. You can have just enough distinction with grey which it's tones and shades and still hold on to sanity. See when you see the world for what it is, nothing will matter, except happiness. Not money or careers or colleges. Not even food. Because with simplicity comes the ability to be content, and subsequently happiness. When you realize that the only point of life is to be happy and get through it, you can take comfort in two other things. One, that if our point is to get through, call it a race or game or whatever, then we know it is won. God did that much for us. Even more if we allow. And secondly, we can really do no wrong. Their are no wrong choices if we're just trying to be happy. And here comes that line. It's a thin one. But it's a lot easier to see once the color fades and you can focus on the important things. And with that tiny, seeming minuscule line, we can make it through.

It's funny how much clarity you can get with just simplicity. What if there was no "a + b = c", what if it was just "a + b"? And all that mattered was finding a good "b" to go with your "a"? And what if any of the variables could be plugged in to create happiness? Perhaps this is all in my head, but it's nice to know I actually have some clear thought process left, even if I'm the only one who understands it.

Someone close to me told me I run almost purely on emotions. I think that's a good thing. It gives me a head start on this happiness thing. I'll be able to feel it, and even more importantly feel it when it's wrong. I've recently spent a lot of time thinking of "what-ifs" and other paths, while I keep forgetting my decisions made, the only thing holding me back is fear and confusion. So in knowing myself, I can know I'm making the right choice. I know I'd never choose anything for "c". The outcome is not what I count on, it's the variable. And I'd never forgive myself for coloring the trees green or opening my eyes to black and white. It's grey. It always will be. It's one day at a time. And that is what matters. What good is an outcome if you have no one to share it with? After all, "a" plus nothing would leave "a = c", an equation that would never make sense and always be missing something.

Down the Road

I've been thinking about change a lot recently. Change that will alter everything in my life right now. And the reason I haven't made a final decision about this change? Fear. Not that it will be wrong, just everything else. The consequences, the voices, the rumors. What they will say? Why am I so scared to talk about this? Maybe because I know what you will say, and perhaps I will be forced to stand still. I'm not exactly sure. Since that day, I have regretted my choice. The Lord has blessed me in my circumstance, but I'm ready to come home. I'm just afraid I won't be able to. How can I explain or make them understand? I guess it will just involve another one of those leaps of faith. I guess in my life, I have seen God in my steps, but where they have led me makes me question. How can I trust myself to make decisions, if just that has led me here? I guess, where He lights the path, I will take a step. And I will humble myself to criticism and mistake. Without that, I will get nowhere. After all there is no excuse to give up. No excuse not to fight for what will make you feel at home. See, we live in a constant battle. It's one thing to admit our mistakes. It's yet another thing to correct them. And even harder? Accepting them. At least I can hold tight to the fact that with the Lord on my side, I can win this war. In fact, it is already won. The past is the past. It's not about where you came here or how you got here. It's about what you decide to do now, where you decide to go. And when I make my decision, it's about movement. Trust, acceptance, and running the race. If I can't put my first foot to the pavement, what good is it to think? What good is it to live? And I suppose when it gets down to it, I'm not asking for permission. I'm asking for acceptance. What does it matter if I actually get it? I guess I need to take my own advice here, and stop sitting, stop pitying myself. I need to get up and slip on my running shoes. It's time to fight the fear, and start running for what I need. For what is being called of me. And God willing, it will go a little easier than I imagine...

Rambling

I don't remember the point that life became truly difficult. I must have been asleep. Or drunk. Because somewhere alone the way, I lost it. And I'm all alone, more than half the time. And I don't know what to do. I don't think this will get any easier. Or maybe I do. It'll be that last year. Maybe then it'll be more feasible, because then the light at the tunnel will actually be visible. It won't be abstract, it'll be real. And maybe this fairy tale will actually appear on the page. But now, I'm just rambling to an empty room.

The Distance

I will change the world for you. And that's the problem. At any moment will I cease to be worth it? Because I will find a way, when there seems to be none. I will. No questions asked, no second guessing or back-up planning. And that's why I'm worried. See, how far will you go? And will I ever really know?